A Martyr No More

What I want: I want a psychologically safe relationship with a husband who is an interested and attentive father to our children. Together we enjoy the children’s company and enjoy the children’s company and enjoy helping them to develop into their best selves. We have close relationships with our children and extended family and friends. We are interconnected. The hallmark of those relationships is enjoyment and flow.

What I have. If I wasn’t afraid of being discarded by him, this is what I would say: I feel threatened by you. I feel unsafe for making mistakes, or having a differing opinion, or when you are in a bad mood. I live in fear and tension. I hate it. The kids live in fear as well. I resent your treatment of the children. If I had known how you would treat them and neglect them I would never, ever, ever have married you.
I am ashamed of myself that I have let this go on this long. But that shame will hold me back no longer. My mothering had to focus on managing your moods to keep the children out of harms way … you.

I want a happy family. I want to feel joy. I want to be close to my children and for my children to be close to their father. I’ve spent a lot of energy trying to adapt and accept the sorrow, but I can’t and don’t want to anymore. I’m dissatisfied and I am going to change that. The kids may never have a dad who is consistently interested in them and psychologically safe, but they can have a mom whose not consumed by protecting them from a toxic father.