A Martyr No More

Telling My Stories

No one taught me the difference between abuse and the normal ups and downs in a marriage. It took me decades to realize that most abuse doesn’t leave bruises, most abusers seem like nice people, and most incidents of abuse aren’t deal breakers. My kids’ dad is a moody man with a mean streak. He seems like a great guy in public, but he is a different person in private. His mood switches from fun-loving to cruel without warning. It’s the icy cold cruelty of emotional neglect, witholding love, and contempt. It’s sophisticated and nearly impossible to see when you’re the the “public” he wants to impress.

I assumed best intent on his part for all the years of our marriage. He said he didn’t intend to hurt me or the kids. So if I was hurt and bothered by how he treated them, it was because I was too sensitive. I tried so hard to toughen up. I finally realized that wasn’t the problem. I realized his intent didn’t matter. What mattered was the impact. The impact of his mood swings was consistent fear, tension, and sorrow and our suffering doesn’t make it better.

I drew the line and told him I would no longer live with his temper. He ran. I had hoped he’d want to change and work it out, but I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t. Our divorce was over as quickly as it could be in our state.

Life is wonderful now. We have relief. I am happy. I can finally be the mother that I’ve wanted to be and show up for my kids the way I’ve wanted to because my energy isn’t consumed by protecting them from a toxic father.

On this blog, I’m speaking out about my experiences because abuse thrives in secrecy and shame. Through the journal entries I share here, I describe tidbits of what happened to me and my kids. I have no desire to disparage another human, so I’m staying anonymous (names are not used). I hope my stories will help shred the veil of confusion for others. Click the button below to start reading my stories.