A Martyr No More

Five years ago, my ex and I came to California for the groom’s family’s open house after our daughter’s wedding. The day before the reception, the groom’s family took us four wheeling on the sand dunes. The last time I rode a four wheeler I was 12 years old and it was actually a 3 wheeler that I drove up and down my gravel driveway. I didn’t even take it in the fields around our house. I was very inexperienced.

I was uncomfortable driving the four wheeler on the sand because I wasn’t used to it. I tried to follow everyone, but it got stuck in the sand. Somebody helped get it out. Lots of people were getting stuck in the sand. It seemed pretty common. I continued on trying to keep up. The dunes were steep and I have vertigo really bad. At times I was on the edge of a drop off and sliding. It was terrifying. Sand is soft, but I’m riding a huge machine that can topple over on me.

I couldn’t keep up. So my ex left me to go play with the groom’s dad and brothers. I was alone, uncomfortable with the machine, and scared.

I made my way back to the entrance of the dunes where the sand was harder packed and there were no steep drop offs. I rode back and forth across the front for the hour or two that everyone else was off playing. I got stuck in the sand a couple times and I couldn’t get the machine out myself. Luckily, some kind people stopped and helped me. I stayed as close as I could to the packed sand to avoid getting stuck again. I cried tears of abandonment and frustration and embarrassment. Here I was, the person who couldn’t keep up.

Fast forward to Friday night after our son’s wedding. We were making the 4-hour drive from the wedding venue to the bride’s family home. Three of my ex’s siblings were in town for the wedding and they called him to make plans for the next day. Someone suggested four-wheeling and he told them mockingly that was my “favorite” thing – and told them I didn’t like it and didn’t have a good time the last time I did it. Basically making fun of me for getting left and not enjoying it.

Why was he bringing that up? Why embarrass me in front of his siblings 5 years later? What possible purpose could there be in letting his siblings know I didn’t have a good time the last time I did it? I got left! I was abandoned in a situation that everyone needed a buddy. The only purpose I can see is to humiliate me. Our daughter noticed it because she was in the car. It upset her too. Neither of us said anything of course. Why make a scene? It won’t resolve anything.

She also noticed that I’d ask him how he was doing driving back and he wouldn’t respond to me. He does that frequently. He ignores me whenever he feels like it. I act like I’m okay with it so I can be accepted.