A Martyr No More

Over this last year as I’ve sought support for myself so I can deal with my husband’s temper and stress, I’m slowly beginning to realize what codependency is and that I experience it. I’m reading a book for codependency recovery and it asked me to journal about the feelings that are coming up for me as I learn about codependency and my personal symptoms.

Stuck

One of the symptoms on the checklist was a feeling that life is on hold and I’m waiting for it to begin. I relate to that on some level. I feel an inner drive and it flows through my life for as long as I can remember. There is one part of that as power and another part is stuck. I’m beginning to move that. I would never have recognized that as a symptom of codependency, but it makes sense. If I’m “dependent” on someone else emotionally and unaware of my own self, that’s stuck. The drive is urging me forward. It’s important.

Self-Blame

I’ve been wiling to take the blame for my relationship challenges, but not in a productive way. Self-doubt is not the same as ownership. Some things I own. Some things other people own. Those lines have all been blurry to me. I think I own everything, but in a blaming myself kind of way, not in an empowering way. These ideas are gradually beginning to dawn on me. I’m not there yet. I think I’m only at the beginning of the sunrise.

Guarded

I am beginning to see that I’ve not been candid with my husband for most of our whole marriage. I do not share what I actually think and believe if there is any chance it will cause a conflict with him or make him uncomfortable in anyway. In the therapy work I’ve been doing, I’m beginning to understand how there has been a pattern in my life of emotional trauma – particularly when I’ve tried to express my feelings and make a space for myself. I’m afraid of being abandoned. My husband has marginalized me for making mistakes. He doesn’t always. Sometime he’s amazingly understanding and empathetic. But sometimes he gaslights me. It depends on his mood and I’M NOT SURE WHICH ONE I’LL GET so I keep all of my negative feelings to myself.