A Martyr No More

It was mid April and we took the boat out on the lake. My kids’ dad always gets a level of stress when the kids are there and it makes boating NOT fun. It was a very windy day and it was not warm. There were white caps on the waves. My ex and two of the boys did wake surfing. The other four of us weren’t interested because the water is cold and SO choppy. No thanks. I drove the boat. My kids’ dad asked a couple of times for anyone else to come out into the water. I said “no thanks” a couple of times. So did everyone else. He’d say “really?” With a condescending tone like, “Why not, you wimps? You’re missing out. I’m having fun, why wouldn’t you want to have fun?” There was literally no one else in the water in the lake. It was cold and windy. Nobody was skiing.

As we headed back to the dock, I said I’d drive there, but I didn’t want to dock it in the high winds. I told my kids’ dad I wanted him to do it. He didn’t respond. (That’s not unusual. He frequently ignores me and doesn’t give a response, but he’ll still do the thing, so I don’t press him for a response.) I’m not that great at docking the boat as I have less experience. Normally their dad docks it. As we neared the dock, I expressed my discomfort at docking it in the wind, but their dad didn’t offer to take the helm and I didn’t explicitly ask him again (as I had already been ignored), so I tried to dock it. I got pretty close, but didn’t make it, so I backed up and tried again. But there was a pontoon boat in the way so I had to wait. I backed up and drove a good distance away from the dock to make a wide circle and try again. As I was starting to circle I said, “I am really uncomfortable doing this, would someone else be up for it?” (Either their dad or one of my older sons could do it).

Their dad was standing on the back of the boat leaning on the tow rack, glaring at everyone. It was a very intimidating position. He’s 6’8″ and 270 pounds. He was literally looming over the boat. He angrily said, “Do you want me to dock it?” And I said, “Yes please”. He acted like he couldn’t hear me, and said to our twenty two year old daughter, “What did she say?” So our daughter repeated it for me, “She said, yes please.” Then in a contemptuous tone he said, “Well I can’t until you stand up and get out of the way.” I couldn’t very well get out of the way before he agreed to dock it.
I was sitting in the captain chair driving the boat. I thought about adjusting the seat, but I was afraid he’d be mad at me for taking too long. He already sounded irritated. So I stood up. He came forward and then started struggling to adjust the seat. He was irritated. I stood right beside him watching so I could help if needed. He sat down in the driver’s seat and immediately hit the throttle!
(You shouldn’t hit the throttle in a no wake zone. He knows that. That was totally unexpected. We weren’t about to hit anything. There was no reason to do that so abruptly.)
The sudden and expected thrust of the throttle knocked me over, hard! I nearly did a backwards somersault. My shoulders and back hit the seat that covers the engine. If my fall hadn’t been padded by the life jackets, I would have been hurt. I said, “Oh my gosh!” As I fell. All the kids said, “Mom, are you okay?” After several seconds, their dad looked down and said, “Oh. I didn’t realize you were standing up.” He never said sorry, or are you okay? Nothing. In fact, the gave me the cold shoulder the rest of the day.

A week or so later, our sixteen year old son brought up the boating incident with me. He said, “I don’t think dad meant to knock you over, but he sure didn’t give a crap that he did it.” My kids witnessed that.

Whether he meant to knock me over or not, didn’t matter. He was angry, and I suffered the consequences for it. It was a moment of clarity for me. I knew if I stayed, I would continue to be subject to his mercurial moods and vicious temper and my kids would see me putting up with it and pretending it was okay. I didn’t want that for them or for me.