A Martyr No More

I didn’t know what gaslighting was until recently. Now, I’m realizing how much this has happened and a bunch of examples are coming to my mind.

When I want to take the kids to the doctor because they are hurt or sick, my kids’ dad makes me feel like a hypochondriac for caring for them. Example, Our son’s broken leg as a one year old. ( I fell down the stairs while I was holding him.) I trusted myself and took him to the doc. But I had little support from his dad in doing so. He made me wait until the day after it happened to take him. It wasn’t until our son cried off and on all night that he wasn’t opposed to me taking him to the doc. Our son had a spiral fracture in his femur. The doc said it was good to wait 24 hours because it makes the break show up better. I tried to make myself think his dad was showing wisdom in waiting. But it wasn’t wisdom driving that.

Another son has a nasty scar on his arm because his dad insisted we use use super glue instead of getting him stitches.
That same son cut his head last summer on a weekend trip. His dad made me feel bad about taking him to get stitches. He permitted me to go, but it was clear it was against his wishes. He was icy cold about it when I returned to camp. He would hardly give me the time of day.
I can’t remember a time when their dad hasn’t made me feel like I had to justify myself about taking a kid to the doctor for anything other than a routine checkup.

He also has elevated blood pressure but he won’t believe it. I asked him to get it checked at a free assessment. He read that if you workout right beforehand your blood pressure is lower, so that’s what he did. He went straight from the gym to get his blood pressure checked, and sure enough, it was just under the “high blood pressure” range. The charts don’t mean anything. He knows better.

My kids’ dad told our son to sit in the hot car as punishment for being five minutes “late” because a meeting went over. His dad had to wait for him at the church and he was in a bad mood. So when they got home, he told our son he had to sit in the hot car for 20 minutes. He set the timer. I intervened and said our son wasn’t going to do that. I was so scared, but I didn’t let him sit in the hot car. His dad fumed and left the house for hours. I tried talking with him. He refused to acknowledge my position. We never resolved this. I brought this up recently, years after the incident, in an attempt to resolve it. I shared how it impacted me and the kids. He said that I betrayed him. I told him that making a child sit in a hot car is child abuse. I wouldn’t change what I did. I would do it again. I won’t stand for child abuse. He said nothing. We changed the subject.

OMG. I’ve been being gaslit for years. I’ve felt bad expressing my normal feelings. Even my preference for mayo is mocked every single time. It’s so old.

Also, he doesn’t respond to questions. Like the other day I offered to take our son to school so he could do something else. I know he heard. He didn’t bother to give me the dignity of a response. This happens so much.

He gaslights the kids when they get in trouble. He asks them why they did something. If they aren’t too paralyzed with fear to respond and they can stammer out an answer he tells them they are wrong.

OMG. I am so angry right now. Things are making more sense. I’ve been controlled by this for too long. I’ve distorted my sense of self to try to survive.

He tells our one year old grandson he is fake crying. There is no such thing as fake crying at that age.
He stares at our grandson to make him feel “embarrassed” about his behavior so he’ll learn to stop dong it. It’s so weird.

Sunday night he let our grandson walk straight into the pond with no warning or teaching him where the edge was. He stopped me from intervening and told me to let him do it. Then he criticized him for being stupid enough to not notice the water. He didn’t use the word “stupid”, but his tone communicated that sentiment. A one year old doesn’t understand the words yet, but he does understand the feeling. It bugged me all night. Even though his grandpa had fun playing with him after that, I felt cringy inside. It’s a weird combo of friend and foe. Ick.